FKN Newz

Doomed Humanity is not special and wont be saved by aliens says er aliens
Iran claims their elections are just like ours , dodgy disputed and irrelevant
Fly killer Obama tackles deficit giant with Bernankes magical sword of Moredebt
In the UK freedom means trial without jury and Iraq war inquiry in private

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Hello puny earthlings welcome to the fkn news im Anal probe here are the headlies tonight..
Some claim The existence of other life in universe is a mathematical certainty and that using the Drake equation we can estimate the no of intelligent civilisation in our galaxy, others cite the Fermi paradox – a contradiction between high estimates of the existence of extraterrestrial civilizations and the lack of evidence and contact with such civilizations , as evidence that there is no other life in universe, and that humankind is alone. tonight In a FKN Newz exclusive we present proof that we are not alone, people of earth, allow me to introduce extra terrestrial being “dremptup bius”, ..Hello puny eartlings..Helloo dreamt up bius, you represent a civilisation that has developed faster than light speed travel, you come from a planet 100’s of light years away, you have technology beyond our dreams capable of transforming matter, energy , space and time, what the fuck are you doing here , aren’t there better places to be in the universe , aren’t there more interesting less base, stupid, lowbrow creatures than humans to visit…Yes there are but we like earth , we’ve been coming here for thousands of years , hiding behind the moon , revealing ourselves ambiguously to a select group of eccentric individuals no one would believe, flying our ships around sparsely populated areas, abducting attention seeking types , leaving no physical evidence. that sort of thing . Why don’t you just land somewhere and announce your existence if you want us to know about you…well we have landed in many wheat fields in england leaving cryptic clues to our existence called crop circles, mostly around a pub called The Barge Inn in wiltshire , and we have implanted psychic messages in the minds of whacky unscientific author types, but because of secret deals with various governments we cant reveal our existence publicly..Secret deals what deals are they… For some time now we have been in league with your planets bigger governments , we give them technology, they cant use, cant explain , haven’t exploited and nobody can prove exists and they let us anal probe the odd human , mutilate some cows and fly over Rio Digenero once a year, its a great deal for both of us… What about concerns that our government has sold us into slavery or is preparing the planet for your invasion…hahahah yeah like our race of faster than light travelling interdimensional, space-time manipulating beings would need help overcoming you monkey people, don’t make me laugh . the truth is whales and dolphins are more intelligent than you ape people, we are only here to harvest their DNA , we genetically modify them to navigate our ships . You mean were not the most important life on earth…Not at all in fact your destroying life on earth , not that it matter because your planets doomed so you ll all be dead soon anyway, cosmically speaking..But Isn’t life rare and aren’t we worth saving then.. No life isn’t rare and your not special and the more advanced races in the galaxy wont be rescuing you from yourselves or your expanding sun, but don’t worry well be hiding behind the moon watching as you all choke, and well be leaving cryptic evidence to distract you from your real problems for some time to come…thank you dreamt up by us, im sure well have moron that story later

Democracy continues its inexorable spread across the world as Elections in Iran demonstrate the power of distracting the people with irrelevant elections of powerless people to pointless governments. Iran formerly Northern Persia was created when western powers split Persia into Iran and Iraq, so they could put puppet governments into both smaller less threatening countries and control the oil discovered in 1908.Sadly the people of Iran threw out the puppet shah we selected to rule over them in 1979 and continue to allow crazy religious nutters to run their lives for them unopposed. What about the democracy I hear you ask ..elections are held every 4 years to elect the people who do what the religious nutters say, many people in Iran are unhappy that last weeks election appears to have been rigged in favour of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, demonstrations and protests have taken place and some people have been killed. We can only wish the people of Iran luck as they tread the path of western style democracy, where corruption and vested interest manipulate election results, ensuring the right people get the job of doing what the real rulers of their country want ..

Jack the Giant killer or Barrack the giant killer , fresh from his magnificent victory over a fly , emboldened by his success at killing a small insect, president obama has convinced the simple people of his village that he is the man to take on the biggest giant ever to threaten the fairy tale people of the USA the deficit giant, 12 miles high , with feet the size of Cuba the deficit giant destroys the peoples crops , eats their animals, bankrupts their businesses and steals their children for slavery in his giant castle of fake economics. Created by a curse from the wicked witch of credit crunch killing the deficit giant will take more than a fast slap. but Barrack has a magic al sword called Moredebt gifted to him by Bernake the powerful federal reserve wizard. And so it will come to pass that Obama the fly swatter , will slay the deficit with Moredebt , and the people of america will all live in debt unhappily ever after…

In the UK Gordon brown has announced an enquiry into the war in Iraq which will be held in private and its remit will not allow it to apportion blame or make any recommendations for change at all, the announcement comes on the same day as the first trial without a jury in the UK is announced under laws bought in in 2003. Civil liberties campaigners had complained that both announcements represented an erosion of our freedoms but they were taken away and shot before they could say much more. Lord Judge when making the decision to decide 4 peoples guilt or innocence for himself, did not say the cost of protecting the jury from tampering is too high, it’ll be far cheaper to bribe me I mean have me decide. The right to trial by jury was thought to be a cornerstone of freedom in our democracy but it turns out it was just a temporarily affordable luxury , one that some of you just cant afford.

thanks now the weather

A blizzard of lies and propaganda continues to blanket all human affairs in a thick covering of bullshit, occasional outbreaks of honesty will be rare and quickly disappear as the rich and powerful continue to fuck us over for a buck

have a nice weekend