April 1st – and it’s Bring on the Beast!!!
American Helmet Ball – Latest
- Go long
With his armour-plated body and raised Helmet, The Beast will be Obama’s
official star. He boasts a titanium and ceramic superstructure (white
and dark) and a sealed interior forming a “panic room” capable of
shielding himself from even a chemical weapons attack. Equipped with a
night-vision camera and an armoured petrol tank filled with foam to
prevent explosion should it suffer a direct hit, he also has a
pump-action shotgun, a tear-gas cannon, his own oxygen tanks and bottles
of the president’s blood. His reinforced steel and aluminium lungs allow
him to keep breathing even if they have been punctured.
One NFL reporter did not say yesterday, “Gee! This Guy is an even bigger
draw than The Fridge who – as we all know – was a Chicago based
line-backer who became famous for his sheer weight and tallness and his
ability to eat as many cheeseburgers as Elvis, apparently without
vomiting to death on the toilet. Time will only tell if this so called
Beast lives to eat its own weight in London in the next weeks.”
Gulf
2.) Tigger wins from 5 behind! Wow! Amazing!
“He is our first Unofficial Black President!!!” – a spokesperson for
Golfing News did not say, “Because, er, because he is very good at
playing with small white balls and, er, he shows such amazing powers of
recovery!”
Motorsport
3.) Round and Round and Round and Round and Round and Round and Round
Again! – Yep, Formula Only Lots and Lots of Laps Still to Go Round,
comes around, Round and Round and Round and Round and Round and Round
and Round again.
a spokesman for Snore – the eventual winners of the race and who had
entered the oblivion from sheer ennui did not say, “We went round and
round and round and round and round and round and round and round and
round and round and round until everyone fell asleep and we woke up and
declared ourselves the winners of this important prize. Thank-you.
Good-bye now, excuse me, but I need to lie down and sleep again. Until
the next week, you understand?”
